Using Your Emotion to Connect

August 1, 2021

Leaders are often called upon to show confidence and decisiveness in the face of uncertainty and fear. This is one of the great paradoxes of leadership - everyone has moments of uncertainty or fear but as a leader you are somehow expected to have everything under control and provide certainty to those who report to you. There is not a playbook for every scenario and sometimes you can feel like an imposter in your role.... When this happens it is easy to let fear take over and action cease.

Like all leaders I have fallen into the imposter trap. I have compared myself to the confidence I perceived in others and assumed that I was the only one who did not have the answers. In these moments I had gremlins in my mind who told me I am not enough. Sometimes, in these moments of doubt, I react by making rapid decisions to alleviate my stress. Other times I have found myself freezing. Neither of these situations help me be the leader I want to be so how do I overcome the flight or freeze that for me my fear filled imposter creates?

As a coach and leader I have found a few things that have helped me use my imposter to find a path forward and guide my actions forward. Some of these tools are connecting with yourself, others are connecting with others. How have I made this shift?

1. Lean in and listen:

Instead of ignoring fears or discomfort I focus my energy to find out what is creating the fear. Each emotion is a gift that guides me to either take action or put plans in place to overcome my perceived roadblocks. This helps me cut through the noise of my inner story and plan actions to address the concerns I have. In my coaching practice I use a technique called SOAR. The focus is to regain control of my thinking brain when it is highjacked by emotion. It is a deliberate series of steps to calm the mind and create space to consider actions available to solve a problem. This clears the way for a decision that aligns with our goals and not with our emotional gremlins.

2. Reflect and remind:

Sometimes facing fear starts with reminding yourself that you have got this. If you are able to recall similar situations you are able to draw on that experience to tackle the current challenge. This helps give you the courage to step into the unknown.

3. Be vulnerable:

The toughest of the three shifts for me was this one. It is about being honest with concerns and asking for help needed to get through challenging time. People are made for connection and working together to overcome obstacles and the more we rely on each other the better the outcomes we achieve. It is about reaching out and being willing to hear what is reflecting back to me. As I matured as a leader I realized that involving others helped them grow, helped build stronger trust in relationships and improved the final solutions. It took letting go of my need to have the answers to do this! We live in a complex world that we can't know everything needed to resolve issues. We need to connect with others to have the wisdom and input needed to make the best decisions on how to proceed with things that challenge us.

4. Get perspective:

Asking questions such as is this a real or perceived threat? Will it matter in 2 weeks, 6 months or a year? What outcome would I like to see? By asking myself questions I am able to shift from focussing on the problem to using the problem solving side of my brain to assess my risk and start to consider how involved my solutions need to be.

These are tools that I use in my personal life and my coaching life. I have taught them to students in classrooms and professionals in board rooms. We all want to do our best but sometimes our emotions highjack our ability to make the choices necessary to live authentically.

As a leader it is your choice - will you be controlled by your emotions or will you lean into them so they can guide you to be the confident person you are meant to be? The choice is yours!

Be courageous and stay connected

Judy

For more information, I can be contacted at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.