Perfectly Imperfect Stories: The Investment Plan for Connection

I have worked with a financial planner over the years who has helped me understand that by investing a little bit throughout my life I can save for a retirement future that I can enjoy. Creating connection in relationships is similar to investing. Like saving for a future, relationships take investing in time, care and conversations to build trust and understanding. This bond helps you weather times when the relationship hits rough patches because each party builds stories around the faith they have in the bond of the relationship. In the same way, a relationship that does not have the trust nurtured over time will struggle to survive the challenges it may face.

In my work mediating relationship breakdowns, I often hear two opposing sides to a conversation and know that the "truth" - what really happened - falls somewhere in the middle. This is especially true when the conversation is emotionally charged or the stakes of the conversation are high. I have been both the sender and the recipient of messages where what was intended fell short of what was desired.

What gets in the way?

Why do some situations create understanding and others seem to create nothing but turmoil and chaos? There are a number of things that play into connections that build understanding compared to situations where relations are severed. Some of these include:

1. Relational trust - how much trust there is in emotional bank account of the relationship. This will determine the leeway each party gives in terms of the benefit of the doubt in a situation.

2. Emotional volatility of the situation - if there is strong emotions such as fear or distrust or the risk of making a poor decision will result in perceived dire consequences, the stories that are created often create a fewer options and. garner less patience for alternatives.

3. The importance of the decisions or actions to be taken - the more that is at stake, the more inflamed the story can be. Our amygdala goes into overdrive when our safety is potentially compromised. This results in our choices narrow and we become more certain in our position.

4. Past experiences of how things should be or could be - expectations from past jobs or personal relationships shape who we are and the expectations we have for the future. Also, past interactions in the current relationship impacts the trust we have in the current relationship.

With all these thing at play to derail a conversation, what can you do to build the strong relationships in your life? Stories are how we make sense of our world and the facts that we perceive. We rely on stories to help create understanding and choose actions that will keep us safe. These actions are often based on what has worked for us in past situations. This is how our brains optimize the energy it takes to make decisions - by looking for patterns from the past to help us decide for our future.

Investing in your future:

How can we begin to build a strong foundation on which to build connection? A few things come to mind:

1. Be clear - in what you need and be willing to ask others to clarify what they need.

2. Watch body language and tone - to help you read the situation and determine if you are aligned or if an adjustment is needed to keep the conversation on track.

3. Be kind - patience and giving each other the benefit of the doubt goes a long way to building rapport and understanding in conversation.

4. Be respectful - understand that there will be opposing views. Spend time asking and clarifying rather than refuting the facts.

5. Look for common ground - on which to build understanding rather than focussing on what is not working. This does not mean avoiding discussions of differences. It means using common ideas as a spring board on which to jump into areas where differences may exist. This creates bridges and aids understanding.

6. Be curious - ask questions to help you understand the opposing position, rather than using questions to convince others to see things your way. If you show you want to understand, the other party may be more likely to want to hear your side.

7. Be vulnerable - don't be afraid to admit where you struggle or where you need help. Showing your humanity helps build real understanding.

8. Check out stories - Share the stories you are telling yourself and the conclusions you have. Without this transparency, it will be challenging to create understanding.

9. Be patient - Rome was not built in a day and neither will understanding and trust be. Be prepared to have more than one conversation to build understanding.

Relationships are not easy, but they can be worth the effort. We can use conversations to build trust and understanding in our relationships or we can use our words and stories to break them apart. The choice is yours. It takes the same amount of effort to spin the story - but the connected relationship results in much less stress and emotional energy wasted in the long term.

Similar to the message I hear from my financial planner - the sooner you invest, the greater your chance to build a solid foundation for the future. Relationships are much the same - invest early and the payback compounds; invest late, and it may be too late to reach your goals and repair broken connections!

Invest early and often for the greatest payback!

Be clear, kind and curious,

Judy

If you want more information please connect with me via email at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.