Masking Authentic Connections

October 31, 2021

This weekend is Halloween. For Halloween we conceal our identity to take part in a custom that may date back 2,000 years to the Celtic pagan festival of Samhain. During this festival it was believed that gods became visible to humans creating supernatural mischief. Some people offered treats to the gods while others wore disguises so the spirits would mistake them for another spirit. Masks protected people from mischief of the gods and other humans who played tricks on them. The scarier that the mask was, the more the disguise was believed to keep the person safe from the mischief the gods were spreading. As I read through the history of Halloween in got me thinking about where we still use masks today. Our masks are not as obvious as the ones in the festival of Samhain, but they do provide the same protection from showing others our true selves when we are feeling unsafe.

Masks still hide our true identity today

We may not be physically hiding from the spirits roaming the earth, but we all use psychological masks to protect ourselves from perceived harm. These masks are often born during emotionally challenging times in our lives. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by someone publicly? Have you been told that you can't do something? Were you bullied? Did you require to dress certain ways or act certain ways to fit in? Were you taught to be seen and not heard? Were you taught to challenge the status quo? Were you the youngest or smallest in a class? Did you excel in sports or music or art? Were you embarrassed by the attention you were given for something you did well? Strong emotions- whether good or bad can both cause us to form a mask that allows us to hide our true feelings to avoid the attention that we previously experienced. Our masks often start as a shift in our behaviours to fit the perceived expectations of the situation or to reduce the attention we are uncomfortable with receiving. If this happens once or twice, our brains may see it as unique and not form a persona around it. However if it is an extreme emotion or happens repeatedly, we are more likely to shift our behaviour to avoid the unwanted attention or protect ourselves. In this way, the action we take becomes a mask that hides our true self in order to be accepted by others.

A temporary mask can help us find our way through a challenging situation (like the Celtics on Samhian used it for one day to hide from the tricks of spirits). These masks help soothe our feelings and reduce the stress we are feeling. These same masks can become a more permanent part of the armour when we use them to manage intense emotions or to protect ourselves over time. Like the development of a habit, these masks gradually mold to us and become an integral part of our tool box that we use when we feel threatened.

Just as masks and costumes have evolved from 2000 years ago to the elaborate disguises of today, our masks evolve over time to help protect us from the perceived risks in our world. While they may prevent us from experiencing hurt or from letting others down, these masks also prevent us from authentically connecting with those around us. As we become more and more consumed by the persona in the mask, we may even become disconnected from our own authentic self and our feelings. This is what happened to Jim Carrey's character in the movie "The Mask". He became so consumed with the power and confidence that the mask gave him that he lost sight of who his authentic self was. Removing the mask got him back in touch with himself.

Masks may no longer serve us

Jim Carrey's character eventually realized he was not happy with what the mask was bringing him. As our life evolves we may find the same realization with our own masks. As our needs shift the masks that helped us may now be a barrier that no longer serves us.

Many of the masks I built early in my life and career eventually needed to evolve or be completely removed as I matured in my roles or the expectations on me changed. This transition was a challenge for me to learn to trust that I could be real and be accepted for who I was, rather than who I thought others wanted me to be. Authentic connections are based on this trust and require all parties to be willing to be real.

Do you have a mask that no longer serves you? What do you need to shift to be able to be your best self? I can support your journey to finding your authentic self so you can build solid relationships with others. This requires being real, taking risks and surrounding yourself with those you trust and who you can rely on. I have found there are three things that impact being able to connect with others authentically. There are many stages within each step but each step helps you peel away layers of the mask to let your true self shine.

Authentic connections needs three things to thrive:

1. Being vulnerable and real with those around you as to your thoughts, wants and feelings. This stage helps you ground yourself in what you value and care about. It helps you know what you stand for so you can share with others your insights and ideas.

2. Creating a safe space for others to be open and vulnerable. This helps build trust in a relationship where both sides can be open and honest. Without this, the entire relationship will remain veiled in a mask of distrust.

3. Working in partnership to connect in a way that builds on the strengths of both parties and encourages unmasking our fears to truly connect. This is about being willing to share ideas and talk out stories so that both sides are heard, understood and part of the final solution. This is where a truly authentic connection thrives.

These three steps will help you begin the process of peeling back the layers of your masks and allowing your true self to shine through. Having courage to take small steps in a trusting space with people who support you is the best way to begin to discover your authentic self. Starting with knowing yourself provides the foundation on which to build strong connections with others.

Where can I start?

This is a process of discovery. The first place to start is to look at areas of your life where the habits or actions you typically take are no longer serving your career or life goals. These are the masks that may not be serving you anymore. Do you need to tweak them or do they need to be completely removed? You get to decide. Be brave and step out from behind them to find your true self!

Enjoy the journey! We only get one life to be our best selves, don't let stories and perceptions prevent you from being you.

Be kind, have courage and shine!

Judy

I provide coaching and facilitate training sessions that help you create authentic connections.  I can be contacted at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.

