First ME then WE: Four Stages For Solid Connections

I love working with people who are curious. They demonstrate a zest for life and a willingness to ask questions that help them understand. I especially enjoy watching young kids as they are learning something. They lean into learning and soak up all the world has to offer. It feels like as we age we lose this. We become focussed on fitting in and doing what we perceive society or our friends would have us do. As a result, we often second guess ourselves and our decisions. I have even found myself afraid to speak up because I did not want to appear as the "odd one out".

This lack of courage to share my thoughts led me to make myself small and defer my knowledge and ideas to those who I perceived to be more confident or knowledgeable on the subject. This may have worked when I was younger, but as I became a leader I had to learn to lean into the discomfort of my insecurities and speak my mind. This has been a work in progress for me for many years as the situations become more complex and the stakes of decisions become more critical.

How have I adapted myself to lean into the situation so decisions could include input from all sides of a problem? How have I found the courage to speak up and say what I need to say and do so in a way that builds relationship and understanding?

In facilitating leaders to build connections and solve problems I have found having a solid foundation was critical to success. Growing up, I recall a bible story about a man who built his house on a rock and another who built his house on sand. When the storms came, the house on the solid foundation withstood the storm and the other house was destroyed.

Achieving the courage to build connection, create understanding and solve problems also requires the same strong foundation to achieve the understanding needed to get the best solutions for each situation. I have found 4 stages that build a rock solid foundation to ensure that my relationships remain connected and misunderstandings are minimized.

My four stages of creating solid connection are:

1. First ME

2. Then ME and You

3. Then WE

4. Call to Action

1. First Me

In any situation it is important to ground yourself. Enter conversations knowing what you want to say AND with a commitment to maintain a learning mindset. As soon as you become entrenched in your position, the opportunity to understand and solve is removed. Grounding yourself includes self-awareness and tools to manage your triggers. This part takes courage to pivot as needed to share your position and still be open to hearing alternative interpretations. Taking time ground helps you stay centred and reduces defensiveness in the conversation.

2. Then Me and You

Once you have grounded yourself the conversation shifts into sharing your view with others and asking for their perspective. This is not about defending your view and getting entrenched in being right. This is about being curious and hearing all angles so the outcome does what is right to solve the problem. The awareness and grounding that you have achieved in phase one will help you remain calm and open to hearing alternate views and tweaking the ending of the story. Depending on this situation, you may need to "ground on the fly" and keep your reaction in check during your conversation.

3. Then We

With both sides having a chance to discuss their perspectives and share concerns it is now time to talk about the problem and how best to solve it together. The curiosity and courage from the first two stages remain critical to stay in a place of finding common ground and solving the right problem in the right way. This is about mutually determining the problem AND working together for the solution.

4. Call to Action

Even when the conversation is complete and there appears to be understanding it is important to finalize with an agreement of what will change going forward. I find this final stage is often where problem solving gets lost. The conversation is had, and both sides share their opinions, they may get to agreeing on outcomes but with no expressed commitment to what will change. As a result, the progress made is often replaced by returning to former habits. It is kind of like trying to drive a car through snow ruts in the winter - the rut ( like our old habits) keep pulling us back. This stage is about closing out the discussion with what both sides agree to do going forward to solve the problem. This allows for accountability and clarity of what is agreed.

My workshop "Real Connections" is based on helping individuals work through managing themselves first so that they can have the courage to ask for what they need in their relationships. Creating this foundation for connection provides the solid footing on which to achieve the results you desire.

Be kind, curious and connected,

Judy

For more information on this topic, or upcoming workshops, I can be reached at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.