Finding Your Connection Sweet Spot

August 7, 2021

Like many around the world, I have been watching the 2020 Tokyo Olympics. As I was watching the gold medal rounds for the men's tennis final I started thinking about how tennis was like connection in conversations.

I watched as the two player battled it out serving balls at speeds of more than 200 km/hr. They were constantly adjusting their game - focussing on every detail from footing and approach to the type of rackets and balls chosen for the extremely humid and hot conditions in Tokyo. Even with all these things considered, the success of the point was won or lost based on carefully reading the situation and combining all their skill and awareness into one moment when their racket connected with the ball. If this connection was hit just right the ball went exactly where it was intended and the player won the point. If something was not quite right, the player needed to adjust as the play continued.

Can I be nice AND make my point heard?

In many sports when skill and the equipment align to create the magic of the perfect shot you often hear it referred to as having found the sweet spot. Thinking about how people connect with others, there is also a sweet spot. The challenge I often see played out in life is a balance between being nice and being honest or clear. I was recently in a meeting and one of the participants said to me that "y'all Canadians are so nice". He meant it as a compliment but as a coach I often see where leaders feel they need to choose between being nice and being authentic. When this choice is made, there is no win. The message is clouded, issues remain unresolved, and over time the relationship is eroded.

Is it possible to be open, honest and make a point while at the same time being able to stay present and be "nice"? I think finding this balance is what helps leaders find and achieve their "sweet spot" in conversations. At this moment they are able to achieve strong connection at the same time that they are able to get their points heard. How is this possible? Like the tennis players in the olympics it requires the right tools and continual adjustments to ensure you have done everything you can to hit your sweet spot in leading others.

Four Stages : Your Connection Sweet Spot

Like athletes who have mastered their chosen sports, leaders also need to prepare themselves for excelling in leading their people. I really see four stages of leadership preparation that sets leaders up to best manage the connections needed to be successful in their working relationships.

1. Relationship Building

This stage starts when you get to know others. Whether it is an employee, peer, your leader or an outside business relationship, it is important to spend some time showing that you care. This includes getting to know the person not as a transaction to get things done but as a person who has feelings, cares and who wants to achieve something in their role. Internally this is often achieved through informal discussions, asking how people are doing personally and in spending time checking in. For groups this is often achieved through less formal work meetings, team building or projects where there is time to balance some work and some connection space. This phase also includes providing clear outcomes and training to support goals and realize success and requires the leader to be vulnerable enough to share, care and work on the relationship balanced with the outcomes. This piece is an important aspect of building trust that will help you connect later should you need to redirect behaviour to stay on track.

2. Conversation Preparation

This second stage takes place at the start of a project or prior to a discussion with the person. This gives you the chance to plan out what you need to share. Is it direction? vision? or outcomes? or are you into a project and something needs to be redirected? Either way, giving yourself some time to prepare what the problem you are trying to solve is will ground your message and help you be your best when you are with the other person. One key here is to focus your message on what the key learnings or changes you are asking for need to be. If you have more than a few things to discuss, you may need to consider a number of conversations so that you can ensure your message is clear and is not becoming too much for the other person to manage. This is where having conversations sooner rather than later make clarity easier. The longer a conversation is left before you have it the harder it will be to share clearly what is needed for ultimate success.

3. The Discussion Volley

Once you have prepared your thoughts it is time to meet the other person. Just like the olympic tennis players though, the plan you walk into the game or conversation with needs to be constantly adjusted to ensure you are able to achieve the best result.

Just as in pre-game plan in tennis, you can go into the conversation with the perfect idea of how and what to say but the reaction or message from the other person will require you to adjust your stance so you can return the discussion volley to keep the conversation going. Like a pro athlete, you need to be aware of a number of things to give your conversation the best chances at successful outcomes and you need to be flexible to adapt your game if something comes at you that you had not planned for. Some of the areas to consider include:

• grounding yourself first so you can listen to what is being said

• observing what is being volleyed to you in the conversation and adjusting your message and reactions to maintain your focus

• maintaining your composure

• showing you are hearing what is being said while at the same time being able to respectfully share what you know or need

• adapting your message and possibly your outcome as the volley continues and new information comes into play

In tennis it is about winning the point. This is where connecting in conversation differs. Conversation is about creating understanding and solutions that will move things forward. If you go into a conversation with the intent to win the point you will often find yourself shutting down conversation and positioning yourself to be right, not to do what you know is right. This is ego, not collaboration. This is the slippery slope leaders often find themselves on. Are you willing to consider alternatives or is the outcome determined and you need compliance?

Being Kind and Clear:

My mom used to say you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I often heard this when she would coach me on tough conversations I was having. Her wisdom has served me well. I have often found that when I stick to my message and fight in conversation to win, I end having to manage the fallout of broken trust in a relationship. In these times I have had to continue to manage the relational challenges that escalated from the situation and I have not solved the initial problem that was creating the need for the conversation in the first place. What I thought would create a win for me resulted in a lose- lose scenario. People might comply for a while but over time the issue would rear its head again with more strength and power than had I just dealt with it initially.

The flip side is I would give my all to the other person and in the end I felt unheard and not cared about. The result was resentment and further deterioration of the relationship because I deferred my needs so that I could help the other person achieve theirs. This is a lose-win scenario.

So what is the alternative?

When you are preparing for the conversation, and when you are in the conversation give yourself and the other party space for curiosity. This means slowing your march forward to ask why this person is reacting this way. This will help you see perspective and may give you some questions to ask in the conversation to clear up misunderstanding. The goal is to understand, not to ram your agenda through.

This is where being nice - showing you care, being curious and asking questions allows you to build connection in conversation that then creates scenarios where both parties can work towards a win.

This side of the equation is about kindness - treating the other party with respect and understanding. Allowing them to be co-creators in solving the issue and not as minions to achieve an outcome.

It is also about treating yourself with kindness and being able to share your needs. Respect is needed for both sides. This is where clarity enters - it is not enough to just hear what is said unless you are also willing to share your side as you look for common ground. To create win-win you need to balance success for you with what success for the other person looks like. This is possible, even in performance management discussions. The balancing act for leaders is between sending a respectful and clear message at the same time that you are hearing what the other needs.

4. Closing the Deal

Assuming you have achieved success in your discussion volley the final step ( and one that is often forgotten in the moment) is to recap what has been discussed and who will do what by when. This step creates the accountability and clarity needed to ensure the goal stays on track. It is also the jumping off point to celebrate successes and redirect if the goals fall off track.

Connection in relationships are about constantly adjusting your approach to balance connecting your message with the connection needed with others to achieve success. Like the olympic tennis players, who have trained for years to have a shot at olympic glory, we also need to ensure we take steps to successfully connect with others.

Be kind, curious and clear

Judy

If you want more information on any of the topics I have shared in my blog I can be contacted at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.