4 Traps & 7 Keys for Connection

February 1, 2022

The Gift of COVID

What is the biggest thing that has impacted you in the last 20 months?

For most of us, we would answer COVID. Whether we have been on the frontlines of decision making or on the receiving end of ever changing rules, COVID has shifted how we manage our relationships. Over the last 20 months many have experienced the feelings of loss and isolation around not being able to connect with people the same as they were accustomed to doing. Many, including myself, did not realize how much we took for granted the relationships in our lives. We knew we could connect with people daily at work or other events and so we did not put as much effort into maintaining the relationships in our lives. With the restrictions during COVID we suddenly needed to shift our toolbox of connection to include a more deliberate focus on the how to maintain strong connections with others, without seeing them regularly and in person.

Being more deliberate in our approach online often required putting more effort into planning what we want achieve in a discussion. No matter how much we plan we can't control how our message lands. There are often 4 traps that prevent us from hearing what others have to share. These traps can impact both the person sending and receiving the message and are true regardless of how we are connecting with others. Being aware of these traps helps us understand both how we are showing up and what might be preventing us from hearing each other.

4 Traps that Impede Understanding:

1. Distractions - Anything that gets in the way of our giving our full attention is a distraction. It is impossible to focus on two things at the same time and anything that competes for our attention can prevent our ability to understand. Some examples include looking at our phone or emails while in a meeting, trying to work work on something while someone is talking to us, or starting a conversation when we are worried and preoccupied with something else. All these prevent us from giving our full attention to the discussion at hand and they often leave the other party feeling unappreciated and unheard. This results in reduced connection.

2. Emotions - Emotions can cloud our focus. When they are activated we often find it difficult to look past our reaction and engage in the discussion at hand. This may happen when we don't understand or agree with the issues being discussed and so we defend our positions or withdraw. Alternately, we stuff our emotions and refuse to feel what they are telling us. This prevents understanding from happening and reduces our ability to be authentic in our relationships. Both paths can lead to relationship that are less connected than we may want.

3. Planning a Response - We are often challenged to understanding others because we have only listened long enough to be dangerous. We have heard the first bit and have made up our mind that we know what is going on. We start planning our rebuttal or message. This reduces our ability to understand and the other party may feel us withdraw from the conversation resulting in diminished connection and understanding.

4. Defending - We often hear what others are saying, but it does not fit with how we see the the situation or how we want to be seen. As a result, we may acknowledge that we have heard and then spend time either defending actions or facts to dispute our role in the outcome. This may make us feel vindicated in the situation, but will often leave the other party feeling minimized. It may reduce trust and may result in the other party avoiding giving feedback in the future.

Connection is at the heart of the human experience. When I talk to people who have been most impacted during the isolation of the last two years all of them speak to some form of missing connection with others and feeling alone. Yet when we are with others, we are often in our own minds and not fully connected. What is that about? How can we overcome it?

7 Keys to Connect with Others:

1. Awareness - Being aware of our own bandwidth when we are entering into a conversation is critical. If we are not honest with ourselves that we are distracted and we try to focus on a discussion but are unable, it may result in an inability to follow or understand what is being said. This can leave the other party thinking we don't care about them because we are not listening. Our ability to create understanding with the other person will be impacted.

2. Honesty - If we don't feel we have the ability to focus on the conversation at hand, we need to declare it. Let the other person know what preventing you from being fully present. This will either result in a conversation happening but greater understanding if you become distracted or it will postpone the conversation to a different time. Either way, the connection will be better in the end because you are open about your ability to be present. Don't be afraid to let someone know if now is not a good time to chat. This can also happen when we don't have the courage to share what we are really thinking. This prevents both sides of a conversation from coming forward and may lead to a decision that is one sided or resentment as one side goes down a path that the other is not committed to.

3. Emotions - In a conversation being aware of our reactions are key. If we are feeling anger, sadness or frustration during a conversation it is telling us that something is not sitting right. Awareness of emotions will help create understanding of what might be a problem and can be used to connect if we are able to be curious about the feeling and what is being discussed. Being curious will help uncover what is happening and allow the discussion to be more complete. If, on the other side, we use the emotion to lash out, it will often result in a relationship that has diminished connection and trust.

4. Curiosity - When a conversation does not fit our expected mold we find ourselves at a crossroads - we can choose to withdraw, fight back to sell our perspective, or we can try to understand the perspective of another before sharing our ideas. One way I have found to make this happen is to say something like "That is interesting, I am seeing it differently. Can you share more with me to help me understand where you are coming from?". Then we need to listen and be curious to see the other's perspective. It does not mean that we need to agree, it is just a commitment to try to understand. Understanding another will often open others up to hear our side.

5. Respectfully Sharing - Understanding others is only half of the connection dance. You also need to be able to share you view, and be able to add to the meaning if others ask for clarity. Seeking common understanding helps you ensure that both parties are understood. From this point you can work together to find a solution. Until you both are able to share your side, it will be challenging to find the best solution and trust may be diminished in the relationship.

6. Reframing - This is about seeing the feedback not as an attack but rather as a gift from someone who wants the best for us. If we see feedback as the other person wanting the best for us, it is easier to hear the message that is sent and consider it. If, on the other hand, we see it as a judgement that we need to defend the injustice of, our time will be spent building stories to defend and not listening or being open to the feedback.

7. Vulnerability - Allowing ourselves to be open and honest builds resiliency and connection in relationships. When we guard our answers to be politically correct or fit the expectations of others we reduce the ability of the relationship to thrive. When we are open with ideas, thoughts and feelings about a topic, it allows both sides to bring their whole self and all the associated creativity and ideas they have to the conversation. We need the courage to openly share our side while hearing what others have to say. The resulting connection or solution will be richer than what either side could have experienced by a guarded approach.

None of these keys on their own will ensure a strong relationship. As social beings the traps above may have been useful in our past to protect us or keep us on top of our game. Over time, they became part of our tools to helped us achieve our desired results. The human experience is about choice - if our relationships are not getting the results we need to look at what is getting in the way of our desired connection. What worked for us once may now be a traps that no longer serves us and is preventing us getting what we want. We need to decide if the value derived from the trap is greater than the issues they may be creating in our desire to connect with others.

We need to choose what kind of life we want and how we want to connect with others. The more we are willing to share ourselves the more connected and authentic we will be. Not all relationships will have full disclosure. Each person and each relationship is a dance where each side determines what is safe to share. The more of the keys we have the courage to use, the more our lives will be enriched with relationships that are truly connected. Connection takes time. It also takes the courage to try things that may stretch us as we become who we are meant to be.

Be brave and courageous in 2022!

Judy

Questions? Comments? I can be contacted at judy@molnarconsulting.ca.