4 C's of Connection & the Trio of Trust

December 6, 2021

Are you a Consumer or a Connector?

I love the holiday season. It is a season that is filled with contrasts - darkness and light, gathering and peace, love and longing and finally connection and consuming. This last pair is where I want to focus my blog for December. It can be the pin that holds us together or the desire that robs our joy and hope.

In our modern world the hope is often more focussed on consuming. It is about hoping that the right gift will bring the love, joy and connection that we long for. The holiday season is filled with opportunities to consume. Starting with cyber week we are bombarded by ads trying to get us to buy. Many ads show the love and connection of family and friends with their product at the centre. It is as if the purchase will create the magic of the season and be the glue that holds the family scene together. Logically we know this is not true, however from the time we are little we are drawn into the magic of the season and all the holiday cheer that it brings.

I love Christmas. The warmth of the greenery and the dancing lights on the tree are all part of the decor that heralds the season which for my family celebrates the birth of Jesus. My best times during the holidays are when family and friends come together to celebrate and reconnect during the depths of winter. Christmas brightens and warms the darkest time of the year - just after the winter solstice when the darkness of night is longer than the warmth of day.

This season is a special time for me. The greatest gift that I recall growing up was coming together with friends and family to sing carols. My family continues this tradition to this day. Looking back, I don't recall the gifts or even the food that was enjoyed. What I remember is the time with my extended family visiting and singing together. These are special times that will always be the highlight of the season.

It is these special times of holiday connection that help remind me of the reason for the season. God used the first Christmas to directly connect with us. Connection remains the most important part of the season for me and my family. Christmas can be a challenging time for many. It is not the gifts that creates the greatest stress for the season ( unless we overspend), it is often the longing for relationships or loneliness that creates the toughest times during the holidays.

Relationships are a balancing act between connection and consuming. Like dancing with a partner, we take in what others are saying and blend it with what we believe or know. We share how their story connects to us - building bridges through common experience and understanding. Consuming enters our relationships when our focus of understanding is in weaving what we "know" with what others are sharing. We take in what is being said to create meaning and build understanding between us and those we talk to. Connection happens when we hold space for our own view at the same time that we are open to hearing and understanding the views of another.

Empathy - A Trio of Trust

True connection happens when we open our understanding beyond our current reality. It is when we hear what others are saying and not just weave what fits with our beliefs but open up to the areas that don't fit - using new perspectives to learn, grow and share understanding. This is the power of empathy. Empathy is feeling with a person by allowing yourself to be vulnerable and sincerely connect with them.

There are three levels of empathy that create stronger relationships and bonds of trust:

1. Thinking - knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking.

2. Feeling - Feeling physically with the other person, as if their emotions have become yours.

3. Compassion - Understanding the first two levels and moving to help the person, if needed.

Each level of empathy builds on the other as we connect and allow vulnerability and sharing to bind the partnership together. This is the heart of humanity and is what builds the strongest relationships from which real connection is carved.

4 C's for Connection:

If connection is what creates humanity, what can we do to create the trust needed to deeply connect with others?

1. Curiosity

Curiosity is listening to another's position and asking questions to understand and connect with what is being said. This is about setting aside what you think you know to be right and solutions you may see and asking another to help you connect to their reality. Curiosity builds the first level of empathy by understanding what another is thinking and why they see things the way they do. It is not about shifting your belief, rather it is about genuinely wanting to hear and understand where another person is coming from.

2. Caring

Caring is being attentive to the concerns someone else is saying. It goes beyond the facts to the feelings - the second level of empathy. It is about being able to feel the emotions that another is experiencing, without actually sharing the event that causes them. This second level of is about feeling deeply what another is experiencing and being able to be with them in their emotion without overshadowing their emotions with yours. It is about holding space for the person to feel and express emotions without trying to solve or advise them.

3. Concise

This is where your story may come in. Sharing with another a brief story to demonstrate your understanding of their situation can be a powerful connector. Be concise. There is a delicate balance between sharing information to weave understanding and allowing your information to take over centre stage of the story. Only share if your story fits the situation. When this happens, the moment of connection is lost as the focus of the moment is away from empathy and shifts to you. Being concise helps you show understanding and focus the empathy onto the issues at hand.

4. Compassion

Compassion is the third level of empathy and is also a tool for connection in its own right. Compassion is about understanding what another person is experiencing and wanting to do something to help the person through it. It is about remaining curious as to what may help - or even if help is required. Sometimes compassion is about listening and showing understanding and other times there may be room for action. It is not about forcing an action onto another, it is about asking or offering to help and accepting the response as it is given. Even the best intended offer can unravel connection if it is forced upon a person who is not ready to receive it.

Relationships are a dance of connection

All four C's of connection weave together to create a bond of trust and understanding. Each one ebbs and flows with the movement of the other. Like waves in the ocean there is a sway between vulnerability and support. As we balance the needs of each other we are drawn together in understanding and trust. Together we are able to create something that individually would not be possible. Connection is created when we lean in and lean on each other in a way that each party holds up their side while supporting another. If one side pushes stronger, the stability is rocked until both sides adjust to create the right level of lean and support. This is where trust and connection thrive.

As humans we are made for connection. For me the holiday season is a time to connect with those we love and take time to enjoy the simple things that will become the cherished memories of the future. As we move into the Christmas season I want to wish you the blessings of the holiday season. Take time to step away from the hectic side of the season and spend time connecting with those you love.

Best of the season to you and yours,

Judy